A-Z of Relationships

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Chapter A

Many of us, whether we are eighteen, twenty-five or forty-five are still mastering the art of successful relationships. Men and women might I add! I am twenty-four going on twenty-five and am still no expert in the Love department, however, I can tell you that my experiences have taught me a lot and I would like to share them with you. You never know, you might just relate to some of them.
Where to start…? Firstly you will find that this book is sectioned off with different categories all of course relating to relationships. I do hope you will find it entertaining as it’s meant to be a light-hearted read but at times can be sad and serious, relationships can be so heavy at times. As my dad always used to tell me and still tells me, there is no secret formula to a successful relationship, either accept its ups and downs or choose to be single like him, minus the hassles. Personally I don’t agree with the latter part, relationships are there to be worked on by both halves, they don’t come easy, they involve a lot of compromising, some sacrificing and a hell of a lot of communicating.
I realised as I first started writing this book I was praising a few of my exes
especially my most recent one, in almost every single chapter, but I thought it only fair to also be honest and tell you what he can really be like too, after all, I owe everyone the truth, especially when he fooled most people into thinking he was a saint, therefore, you’ll notice how I’ll be referring to him as Angel and Devil depending on my mood at the time of writing, well I don’t actually call him a Devil but I talk about him as though he’s one. At times I would write with hatred and fury and sometimes I would find myself crying from a broken heart as I wrote. You’ll notice my mood swings, it’s as though I’m writing from more than one perspective.
My entire family were mocking me about this book, particularly my uncle, whilst I was writing this he would ask me if my book had paragraphs, I felt I had to respond with the same amount of sarcasm and told him that there were also capital letters and exclamation marks. Anyway, I would just like to thank those of you who believed in me from the start, I really appreciated all the support and encouragement and there were times when I really did need it. I would also like to thank those of you who contributed to this book with your true-life stories. I hope you enjoy the read.

Dictionary definition: A stupid, incompetent or detestable person.
My definition: A totally insensitive moron who hasn’t got a single nice bone in his entire body.
How many of us have come across this term asshole? I bet the majority of us have met a few of these or even dated a couple of them. Maybe some of us are actually in a relationship with an asshole. Why did God create such horrible creatures in the first place, to make our lives more complicated than it already is, what with work, family pressures, everyday stress, road rage, traffic, the list can go on… and on top of all this now we have to deal with assholes?! If I knew life was going to be this hard I would have never come out of my mother’s womb, I would have just stayed put!
Some characteristics of your typical asshole; arrogant, most definitely drop dead gorgeous, mean and sometimes plain old cruel, likes to play infinite mind games, flirts in front of your very own eyes and maybe even with your girlfriends, phones when HE pleases, sees you on HIS time schedule, takes you out to the places HE likes, doesn’t always introduce you to his friends, keeps you hidden in order to keep his options open in case a prettier girl comes along, never refers to you as HIS girlfriend, in other words the relationship revolves around HIS terms and NOT yours, if you’re extremely lucky you may get a say in one or two things, but that’s most probably just pushing it.
I’m curious, why do we put ourselves through such torture when we can have a nice guy on our arms instead of this lunatic asshole? Is it because we’re attracted to danger, do we like to be treated with disrespect, is it the challenge of it that keeps us on our toes, or do we just simply like the idea of being treated like shit! When it all boils down to it that’s what it is, we allow this handsome jerk walk all over us and treat us as if we were some sort of sex symbol all for what? Just so that we can walk around with this cute asshole as if he were some sort of fashion accessory but with a few extra perks. Frankly I don’t know what all the fuss is about, I know that every teenage girl goes through the phase of being attracted to assholes but you would think this phase would expire by late teens or early twenties. Maybe we never grow out of this stage and continue life making the same old mistakes. I know that even though I learn from my mistakes, I have made the same ones over and over and I’m just hoping that this is a momentary lapse when it comes to men and will soon disappear.
There must be some way for us to escape these asshole men, it’s as though they have some sort of radar for us emotionally weak girls and come to us as opposed to us going to them. They fill our heads with nonsense, lies and all things we want to hear like future commitments and sometimes even marriage (probably just a trick of theirs to get us into bed), and by the time we realise all this it’s too late and we’re hooked, as though we have been hypnotised. What are they, some sort of vampires who only come out at night and instead of sucking our blood they suck out all of our positive energies and manipulate our minds into thinking they’re actually good men. They use our energy for themselves to help them prey on other innocent girls. I say it’s time we put an end to them, give them a taste of their own medicine and treat them the way they have been treating us for god knows how many centuries.
But we have to hand it to them, they sure are clever, a stupid man wouldn’t be able to lead us into thinking we actually mean something to them, that we are a special person in their lives, ha! Us and a hundred other victims. I’m seriously wondering, do they have secret meetings with other assholes in order to devise sneaky ways of leading us on and making fools out of ourselves, because the end result is just that. We come out of the so-called relationship feeling used and somewhat foolish for believing their convincing lies. No wonder we become paranoid and insecure in forthcoming relationships, and men wonder why we act this way, it’s their bloody fault we have become this way, untrusting and always suspicious. And why do we let these cunning little devils get away with it. I for one have had enough of deceitful relationships where you have to do your very own detective work to get the answers you need. Whatever happened to honesty and trust? I am assuming nowadays it very rarely exists, such a shame. I must confess, I have dated a few assholes in my time, some much worse than others. One ex in particular fits this category just perfectly, Mr ?. maybe best not mention who but, My God was he an Asshole!!!!, however, a cute asshole with a super adorable French accent!! His first words were ‘elo, I am ….., I am Frrench, what iz yur name?’ He charmed his way into my life and then 3 months down the line he started revealing his somewhat asshole side. He was the type that wanted the best of both worlds, he would see me when he felt like it and blank me when he wasn’t in the mood. He would go away on all his holidays without me yet expect me to be sitting at home being a good girl reading a book, and if I happened to go out till late he would sulk with me for a few days, ‘eh, bebe, what iz zis? I do nut wunt yuu to go clubbing wizout mee’… what a baby, a cute baby though! He was such a hypocrite, it was okay for him to go to Paris/Monaco/New York without me and to go out partying till 4am, but if I did it he would act as though I had cheated on him or something. He once went to Ibiza with his colleagues and then I found out through my own detective work that it wasn’t purely a ‘business trip’ and that this friend of his who I absolutely despised had tagged along, I was infuriated, and what’s worse is that I forgave him within a day all because of his cute accent… ‘but bebe, I luv yuu, I did nut wunt to lie, I am sooo sorrrry, please forrrgive mee’… and yet he told me that if it was the other way round he would have broken up with me, some nerve he has. Oh, did I forget to mention that he forgot our one year anniversary and felt that a business dinner (i.e. satisfying his greedy stomach) was more important than taking me out for a romantic dinner? That’s not all, he skipped my best friend’s birthday party to go for dinner with his guy friend and also missed a good friend’s wedding because of a petty little fight we had. The list goes on and on, what I am trying to say here is that I was nowhere on his list of priorities yet if he wasn’t number one in my life he would get all stroppy and not talk to me for days on end, hello? The most asshole thing he did was when he didn’t even have the courage to end things with me face to face, we spent a whole entire year together and he broke up with my by a lousy text message, I went over to his place to get my things and he was sitting in his car with the lights turned off under a tree hiding from me, talk about gutless! I just wanted to slap him there and then, but I was too upset so I drove off in a flood of tears.
I think of Mr A as a kind of Vampire, he didn’t live off my blood but he sucked out all of my energy, he left me feeling emotionally and physically drained, it’s as though he would get the kick out of seeing me upset and used my energies to make himself feel better. Although he wasn’t a flirt, I’ll give him that much credit, he would get a buzz out of being complimented by other girls, if you ask me, he had a serious insecurity issue, wasn’t I enough for him? Obviously not, since he still kept in touch with his ex who inundated him with flattering remarks, eeeeew, and I put up with it, I hate myself for it!
You have to treat someone the way you would like to be treated back, so in theory, I should have treated Mr A exactly the same way that he treated me, like a fool, and I shouldn’t have showed any respect towards him whatsoever. Well, we learn from our mistakes, or at least I hope we do. I am proud to say I am well and truly over assholes and never want to set sight on another one for as long as I live. If in case I do come across one, I’ll just walk right over them as if they cease to exist.
I still get the same old excuses from Mr A, ‘but bebe, I luv yuu, I zust cannot be wiz yuu, I am scared of comitmunt’. Fair enough, he’s obviously just not that into me, that’s all.