We all know the classics. Elvis is alive (can’t fans just accept that the King died from overstraining on the toilet?). Paul McCartney is dead. Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain with a toilet plunger and Tupac sells hotdogs in Eastbourne.
Crazed conspiracy theories or elaborate musical masterminds? One reporter goes on the trail of the best and worst of the music industry’s "tallest tales" online.
But those are old hat.
There’s a fresh plethora of rock conspiracies making the rounds on the internet…
You really have to pity the quacks that created these tall tales. Don’t they have anything better to do with their time?
Stephen King shot John Lennon!
It was, according to one net nut, Stephen King who bumped off the Beatle with the most irritating wife that fateful 8 December. The “evidence” can apparently be found in Time and Newsweek magazine headlines from 1980, which were, ahem, government codes used by Ronald Regan to communicate with the horror novelist.
By themselves, these headlines reveal absolutely nothing whatsoever. When pasted together in a secret, esoteric configuration, however, they reveal absolutely nothing whatsoever.
Site creator Steve Lightfoot proclaims that King was a little-known writer at the time, willing to do anything for fame.
An interesting hypothesis, though it bypasses the fact that Carrie and Salem’s Lot had already sold by the lorry-load by the time Lennon bit the dust.
Madonna and Pamela Anderson next in blonde cull!
One of them is a flaxen-haired attention-seeking hussy. The other has silicon-enhanced bazookas.
Newprophecy.net intertwines these peroxide princesses and claims that Madge and Pammy are both due to fall foul of a long-running, murderous conspiracy against blondes.
Following the strange fatalities of Jayne Mansfield, Marilyn Monroe and Princess Di, the material mom and cleavage-monster are supposedly next to fall in a sinister and systematic process of blonde elimination.
“I cannot stress this enough,” reads the website’s disclaimer.
“Madonna should be careful who she selects as acquaintances. Obviously, no taking home of strangers – this will be begging for trouble”.
Got that, Madge? No giving strangers rides now, y’hear? And go ginger while you’re at it.
Morrissey murdered Princess Diana!
If demented-but-passionately-argued rock divination is what floats your boat, you might like to try the site of a certain VeganMozFan.
Here, a certain Mr Alice swears blind that Morrissey, former lead fop of British indie legends The Smiths, predicted every detail of Di’s car-crash and subliminally placed them in a couple of the band’s tracks, as well as his own solo material.
What? You want reasoning and logic! Ok, here you go…
The cover of one of Mozza’s LPs bears a French actor called Alain. And would you Adam and Eve it? The first public announcement of Diana’s death was only made by a French guy named Alain Pavie!
Yes! See? Get it? Now that’s investigative journalism for you.